In a recent coaching session, my coach and I talked about how there is a lot of scientific evidence that points at the fact that our brains have a “negativity bias.” Meaning that the way our brain is calibrated, it’s slightly tilted towards the negative, picking up on negative emotions/thoughts/feelings/perspectives more easily than it would do on positive ones.
If you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. We are a function of biological evolution. Many thousand years ago, a bush that was rattling could have been the wind 99 out of 100 times. But 1 in 100 times it might have been a tiger jumping out of that bush. For the purpose of our survival, we had to assume and be prepared for that 1 in 100 time chance. We truly had to expect the worst.
Being aware of that “negativity bias” isn’t easy. While it’s weighted differently for different people – for some it’s more pronounced than others – it’s the default for most of us. Feeling rejected when someone says no, thinking that we are not being liked by others, that we are not good enough, or proven phenomena like the imposter syndrome are common examples of how we sometimes assume negative motivations or reasons behind something happening to us.
I, too, get caught up in this way of thinking. Most recently, I was mentoring a colleague on a “sister team” of ours, and for the longest of time I was walking around telling myself: “I am not doing enough for her, I should be more present, more helpful.” I even remember catching myself with thoughts like “she probably thinks I am useless.” – pretty rough thoughts! It wasn’t until a recent 1:1 where she, on her own accord, shared how she recently talked to her manager about me and how much they admire me and enjoy working with me. Wait, what? She was actually thinking and perceiving me opposite to how I thought I was being perceived. All that negative talk, that was just the negativity bias in my head.
Experiencing moments like these is important. They are powerful reminders of how we are wired to think, and it’s important to become self aware of this (sometimes destructive) self talk. Personally I don’t always catch myself doing this negative self talk, but with every time I do, I become more skilled at dismantling it.
An analogy that comes to mind is actually my posture. Yes, my actual physical posture. In my early 20s, I have had a bad habit of slouching (I jokingly blame it on those 7 years or forced piano lessons). It wasn’t until I started noticing it on pictures, videos, and whenever I saw myself in the mirror, that I became increasingly aware of my “slouch bias” and started introducing exercises and tools to help counteract it. For example, I bought a back support for my chair that helps me sit more upright. Or I started doing more back/shoulder exercises in the gym. My dad also gave me a visual tip of imaging there is a string attached to my chest and that someone up there was pulling it, and most recently someone told me that if you sit and turn your palms facing up, you automatically push your shoulders back. All these little exercises helped me counteract what had become a “slouch bias.”
Similarly, it’s important to find your countermeasures for your negativity bias. Are you noticing yourself shying away from doing something? Are you walking around feeling inferior? Not good enough? Incapable? Ask why and see if there is negative self talk at play. If there is, call it out, dismantle it. Remind yourself that this might simply be your bias at play, and that in reality things might actually be a lot better than how you imagine it in your head. It helps to check in with yourself from time to time. How do I feel? What are my thoughts at the moment? And most importantly: am I unnecessarily building a negative narrative in my head that might be detached from the truth? Almost always, it is.